I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
