Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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