Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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