She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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