The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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