He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
