They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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