Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
