tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can I color on your dick again?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
