Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
