You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
