Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize