My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
