So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
