Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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