Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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