chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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