someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
