That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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