my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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