Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
