Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
