the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
