he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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