I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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