Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize