When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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