I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All the doctor said was why
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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