I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
