I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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