U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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