I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
