You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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