I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
