Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
