Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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