I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
