barbara walters just said penis...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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