Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
