Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
