I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize