I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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