Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize