I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
