I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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