Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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