she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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