I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
