what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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