So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize