I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
