Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
