there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize