If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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