remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So much rum. So many feels.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
