the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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