every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I understand Curling. That high.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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