I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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