we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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