Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I am available for nakedness
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
