i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
