im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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