OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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