Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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