I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Boobs are out for the taking
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
