yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
